Your answer to the woman who didn’t know if she should live with a married
man was not an answer at all.
Clearly she had two opposing forces warring within her. You didn’t even bring
that out. You framed the question as an either/or. Maybe some alternative
arrangement could be discovered.
You didn’t even suggest that the man figure out his conflicts.
When someone comes to someone for assistance, SOME level of assistance would
be expected. You gave none.
Coach Richie’s Answer
This woman is asking, in effect, “What should I do?” I interpret this situation that it is a question of what she is committed to. Is she committed to being with this man as he presents himself, which is, still married and unwilling to divorce, or is she committed to her values that he should get divorced first, and if not, to let him go.
This appears to be an either/or proposition, unless she is willing to compromise her values and commit to a man who is not totally committed to her, which doesn’t seem to be useful to anyone.
What might be helpful is for her to determine the advantages and disadvantages of each side of the question. Consider the following questions:
“What are the advantages and disadvantages of living with a man who says he wants to be with you, but isn’t committed enough to you to divorce his wife?”
“What are the advantages and disadvantages of living your life according to the values that you have developed and lived by all your life?”
Another way of exploring the situation is the following:
“What would happen (physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, socially, etc.) if you lived with this man?”
“What wouldn’t happen (physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, socially, etc.) if you lived with this man?”
“What would happen (physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, socially, etc.) if you didn’t live with this man?”
“What wouldn’t happen (physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, socially, etc.) if you didn’t live with this man?”
For this woman, the criteria for “advantages” and “disadvantages” depend on the results she wants to create for herself. She may be operating from an “insecure” frame of mind, and feeling loved is a bigger advantage to her right now than maintaining her value system around commitment.
Or, she may come to a more “confident” frame of mind, and realize that if she is desirable to one man, she is probably desirable to other men who may be more willing to commit themselves more fully to her.
She would be well advised to be guided to discover who she really is, and what she really wants. Unless this is done, my own opinion that either choice may be interpreted as a lose-lose proposition – gain the uncommitted man, lose the values vs. maintain the values, but lose the love (and regret the values that has “made” her lonely.)
The ultimate intent is for her to be congruent in making her choice.
Taking time to ask and answer the above questions will go along way in realize this intent.