Here’s my dilemma:
I am divorced, with a son living with me. I have recently met a very nice guy, who has swept me off my feet. It’s been great, but more and more lately, I feel he’s holding back from me.
I don’t know how to put my finger on it, but there is something lacking.
He gives me lots of positive feedback, and often tells me how terrific I am, but I get the sense that he doesn’t see us as being a permanent couple.
Yet, I’m afraid of letting go of it now, because in many ways I’m growing from and enjoying the relationship. BUT I’m afraid to invest time into something that may not have a long-term component to it.
He seems to be committed to me at this time, but I get a strong sense that he’s qualifying it as being ‘for now’. I’m wondering why I am afraid to talk about this to him… and get it worked out for myself.
I think I’m afraid of being more vulnerable than I already am. I know he knows how crazy I am about him. I feel I’ve been very honest with him about how I feel. I think he’s protecting himself from getting in too deep, and…. what?
I really don’t know.
I feel I need to pull myself and my feelings back a bit, and get a stronger sense of just being me and seeing where things go.
Any ideas on what a relationship should feel like, or be at this point?
Normally, I feel smothered by men who just want to call me every night, and see me several times a week. Now, when I meet someone like this guy, I’m the one who wants more interaction and contact.
Is it normal for a guy not to want to see his new girlfriend a few times a week, and call her more than a couple of times each week?
I get the impression he’s afraid he’ll tire of me, or that we don’t have enough in common to interest him more….
Lots of fears, few answers…. It’s almost not worth feeling so in love if all it brings is heartache and self-doubt.
Thanks for any help you have to offer.
There are three key points that I see in this dilemma. When you come to a conclusion on these three points the doubt will go and you can move forward, whichever direction that may be.
Do you risk everything and invest time in a relationship that might not work out?
What’s really going on?
What is normal?
Time is All There Is
All time is precious. Time passes whether you use it wisely or waste it.
Most people only get 65% of the enjoyment that they could, from their life. At the end of every day more than one third of the enjoyment, growth and potential has gone. Lost forever.
Where does that go?
It goes in every interaction that you fail to open your mouth in case you reveal too much of yourself. It goes in every chance that you fail to grasp.
It goes in every fearful thought that holds you back.
So in this case holding back in the relationship holds back the quality of your life.
Think of it this way. If you were in a qualifying race for the Olympics, but weren’t expecting to qualify, would you benefit by not giving it your all?
Here’s a great reminder.
What’s Really Going On?
The greatest fear of humanity is rejection. So we often hedge around the most important issues. In our relationships we often hint and hope. Because we daren’t face the truth.
Yet the truth is always there.
Any stress that you feel in your life is caused by the tension between the truth and your understanding of what is happening.
The route to happiness is by being you, as proudly and as boldly as possible. It is not people or things that make you happy. Experiences feel uncomfortable, when you are not being yourself. The extent that you are not truly being yourself… is the extent that you are letting the enjoyment of life pass you by.
Even if the worst happens… and you do get rejected. At least the rejection has happened and its over. If you are going to be rejected it probably is going to happen whatever you do. By delaying it you get the rejection further down the line, plus the worry and fear of it happening between now and then.
What is Normal?
In my opinion there are no ’shoulds’. To say you should do this; is another way of saying; ‘I know better than anyone else in the world and if everyone just did it my way the world would be fine… for me if no-one else’.
A relationship grows to fit around the two individuals. What you might want to think about is do you want a relationship where you second-guess each other and therefore breed insecurity, suspicion and jealousy.
Or one where you admit to being human and vulnerable and grow together. Because you are more open you are able to experience two perspectives; yours and his. So you understand more and grow more.
If you go past the romantic myths and really analyze what research tells us what love is… it’s about understanding. When we don’t understand we become afraid. When we don’t understand something we fill in the gaps ourselves, often driven by our own fears.
Although vulnerability seems frightening. It is actually the way that we are strongest. We are human, we are vulnerable. Accepting this avoids the need to pretend or play games… and so sometimes we do get hurt, but we can go past the hurt and into what we want. Rather than avoiding getting burnt, but never getting warm either.