Question: How Can I Be Happy When My Boyfriend Won’t Commit?

I am with a man for over 3 years and we love one another, the only thing is he is still married but has been separated for 4 years.

I was married too but I am divorced, the big problem is … I live in his home (which he wanted me to be), and I keep telling him that he needs to start his divorce proceedings, he tells me it is going to be difficult and that his wife will probably want half the house.

I feel insecure for many reasons

1) that if anything happens to him while I am with him, his wife can come and take over the house and I am on the street

2) He never really buys me anything like cards or flowers, and or I don’t even have an engagement ring on my finger..

3) I think he is delaying the divorce because I think he is up to something or maybe he doesn’t want it and he is making all kinds of excuses not to get it, I think he still loves her. I feel this way because I was married in my past for 8 years and my husband cheated on me twice and mentally abused me and it might have some kind of impact on me now with my life I don’t know.

My View

There is only ever a problem because you make it one. Regardless of how things look on the surface, this is always true.

Really there are no problems in the world. Every situation that we will ever think of as a problem has a solution that you or someone else has already found or will find. The solution is available to you in this very minute. However because you do not yet see it, you think there is a problem.

In this particular case the problem is only there because you say things have to be this way or I won’t be happy. There are a hundred ways that relationships can develop and evolve. They do not necessarily have to follow a certain path.

People do what they want to do. If your boyfriend wanted to get divorced, you wouldn’t need to try to force him into it. The reason why he doesn’t could be anything. It doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t want to be married. But inertia is very powerful. In other words it is always easier to leave things as they are, than try to make a change.

A divorce is stressful and traumatic. And he may not feel emotionally ready to go through that at the moment. People tend to need to build themselves up to do anything. Something like a divorce needs a lot of building up to.

You may actually be delaying his divorce by arguing with him over it. If you left him to it, perhaps he would build up the resources to go ahead and do it. But fighting with you will sap his energies, thus making him less prepared for starting a fight with his wife.

So does that mean you sitting around waiting? No. Definitely not.

But there are two ways to try to influence someone. The first is to try to push someone into doing what you want them to do.

But this method rarely works. Even if they do the thing you wanted them to they are likely to feel resentful and used. And if it doesn’t work out then guess who’ll get the blame.

People like to make up their own minds – or at least feel that they are making up their own mind. Given all the facts… and the time to piece them together… people come up with the best decisions.

Telling someone that you want them to do something so that you feel better doesn’t make them feel inspired and motivated to do so. It just makes them feel used. As if they only exist to make you feel good. Soon they’ll start moving into resentment and anger.

Eventually this leads to the relationship becoming a battle to answer one essential question…

Who wins?

Your way… or my way.

Whatever the outcome someone is always going to feel cheated. And people always want balance. So they will look for little ways to make up the imbalance they feel in the relationship. Maybe they’ll cheat. Maybe they’ll give less of themselves.

Here’s the secret to all relationships. Whether they are business arrangements… marital… Parent-child… friendships… anything…

Always look out for the other person as much as you look out for yourself. Not put them first. Just make sure that both sides get an equal deal – even if they are offering better than equal.

People interpret this as being something you should do to be good or Godly. They’re missing the point. The point is that if you don’t, you’re creating an enemy.

Many people try to use others to increase their status. So they’ll order the Waiter around to show how they are in control of others. But then they have to eat food the Waiter has spat in.

The second method is to give someone all the space… all the time… and all the individual pieces of information… and let them make up their own mind.

But what if he doesn’t make the decision I want him to make?

Well maybe he will, maybe he won’t come to the same conclusion as you. If what you want him to do is truly in the best interests of him and you… and if he really cares about you… then you have to trust that he will do the thing.

If it really isn’t in both your interests, then perhaps he won’t come to the same conclusion as you. Or if he doesn’t care then maybe he won’t be concerned

No one has ever loved in the way that everyone wants to be loved.
Mignon McLaughlin

I’m guessing that the real reason you are pushing for this is because you feel insecure as to how your boyfriend really feels about you. So you are looking for signs from him that say I care I love you. And my guess is that if you see these… the other stuff won’t matter so much.

People always look to those that love them to prove their love. If you loved me you’d do X they say. Then the other says, yes but if you loved me, you’d do Y.

The truth is this. No-one ever can love you more than they love themselves. It isn’t possible. It’s a romantic myth.

You don’t have someone else’s blood pumping through you. You don’t feel the air on someone else’s skin. You don’t have someone else’s nerve endings connected to you.

You love others for the effect they have on you. For the way they make you feel.

So if you want to influence another. If you want someone to do something. Make it feel better for them. Here’s how…

Stop using the stick and start using carrots.

First of all make the other love themselves more. Look for and share the best of them.
Enjoy them… and they will enjoy you more through themselves. The more they love themselves… the more energy and love they have to share.

Give them freedom. We all hate to feel restricted and restrained. Given choices and freedom and trusted to make up our own mind we make the best choices.

Look out for what they want and need to feel good and give it to them.

What about you, though?

Many people do this. They cook dinners, do the housework and give, give, give… in the hope that the other will reciprocate. They miss the point. Don’t be a wimp. Or a victim.

In essence they are treating the other like a child. Here I’ll look after you. I’ll be the Parent.

That’s not it.

Treat them as an equal. Where there is inequality point it out. Whether you are losing out or them.

Give them the respect you want. And you’ll teach them how to respect you. If they mess up, show them how to do it.

Give them the freedom you want. And you’ll teach them how to give you freedom. If they mess up, show them how to do it.

Give them the love you want. And you’ll teach them how to give you love. If they mess up, show them how to do it.

This is where strong relationships are created. Not with rings, flowers or legal obligations. Many people have all these symbols of a strong and loving relationship, yet in truth the relationship satisfies neither
party.