One of the big questions people have is where did it go wrong? Especially, if it has come out of the blue for them. Like the question of how your Ex could decide it’s over, really this is a question that’s going to lead you nowhere.
People who get stuck in this breakup slump for a long time, get stuck because they obsess over questions they can’t get answered. It seems important, because if you can’t work out what happened, how can you stop it happening again.
That’s a good point. You do want to learn from each relationship. However now is not the time. You need perspective first. When you feel differently about looking at this part of your life, you’re ready to view it differently and learn. So for now just accept you don’t need to know the specifics, they’ll come, but here’s the universal answer.
The way I see it, everything that isn’t true breaks. The sun rises and falls every day. I believe this to be true because for as long as I know and as long as people have known, they say it has happened.
I believe gravity is true because every time I have dropped something or seen something drop it has been consistent with the rules of gravity. Every day people make similar observations and statements that I don’t believe because they are not universally true.
We have 10,000 years of recorded history. Think about how few ideas and ideologies have lasted all that time. Those I believe to be true because of the weight of evidence behind them. Those that are not universally and completely reliable cannot be wholly true, there must be some untruth that we have not yet discovered for them to be disproved at times. The times they do not work are when they reach their breaking point.
In the same way, political ideas and beliefs reach their breaking point. From the Sumerians through the Greeks, right up to today Empires have risen and fallen. People like Alexander the Great and Genghis Khan devoted their lives to fighting and killing to build empires, but for what?
For them to fall within a few generations?
Today our Politcal Leaders do not win their place by warfare on the battleground, but on the ballot box and so they win one, two or sometimes even three elections before they fall. They can ride an economic wave, but it is less the impact of their policies and ideology than lucky timing. Few political ideas last longer than a decade before they reach their breaking point. However of course there are some that last longer. Communism had a good run. So did feudalism. Capitalism has fared even better, but it will fall because it doesn’t work for everyone, every time. Political ideas reach their breaking point when the stakeholders that can change things believe it no longer serves their best interests.
Many Entrepreneurs promise their Investors and Bankers that their product will be a best seller and their business profitable. Most are found not to be true. Some are, like Woolworths, but sooner or later they hit their breaking point. Historians estimate commerce to be 150,000 years old. However, the oldest existing business is believed to be a Japanese Temple Building company that has lasted an amazing 1,400 years. A business is based on an opinion of the world. A best, if you will.
Very few last more than a few years. The exceptions last perhaps a few decades or a century. Most reach their breaking point sooner. That is the point where they bet their future on something that isn’t true.
In the same way, in relationships we make bets on people and the bond and compatibility between them. We cannot know for certain that our business or our relationship will work out, yet we often overlook this logic and believe we have found the one.
A relationship is dynamic. The people in the relationship are changed by the relationship and the changes in people change the relationship. Some people bet right and the person they both become is found to work. Others find it isn’t and their relationship reaches its breaking point.
Sometimes people blame an event for making them grow apart, but really the event didn’t change them… it just gave them another perspective. One from which their relationship had reached it’s breaking point.
I was married for 14 years, together for 17. My ex-wife and I made a bet on our compatibility on the day we got married. 14 years later the relationship had reached it’s breaking point. If your relationship broke up, it was because for one or both of you it had reached its breaking point. The reality is that you need know no more than that to move on. The rest are just details.